this is a long story

 The motivation for writing this is everyone constantly asking how he is/when is the wedding/are you guys still together? Another motivation for writing is because I don't know who to dump this on/I don't think anyone deserves this but also I don't think I can bottle it up any longer because I might lose my mind if I do. 

Not sure how far back in time I should go in order to give some meaningful context to this. I also don't know if I would get sued for defamation if people actually start reading this. 

Anyway, I started dating my boss sometime back in 2024, just after I'd broken up with my 2-year-live-in-boyfriend. It was quite a low point in life I'd say, coming home to an empty house which you used to share with someone. Guess karma has its ways of working because fast-forward to today, that's exactly what has happened. 

What started off as "can I move in to your other house for a few months because my bf left me and I don't want to pay rent for the whole 2-bedroom unit by myself" became a 2-year-long relationship which cost me more than the rent, it cost me myself. It changed the way I loved, the way I acted in relationships and the way I functioned. 

I used to make handmade gifts for my partners, plan surprises for them, write long heartfelt messages, tell them about my day in great detail. all that has changed completely. I now hardly plan anything for anyone at all, my birthday texts are confined to "Happy Birthday" and I can't remember the last time I told someone about my whole day with the same enthusiasm I once had.  

But do I blame him for this? Maybe, maybe not. As I said things were good at the start, as with all relationships and then came the fights, the disagreements, the accusations. He bought me an engagement ring from Tiffanys, and told everyone about it (except for my parents). He started choosing other people over me and I naturally started occupying myself with friends. 

The double standards were always there, his friends were harmless while mine were threats. He claimed he knew them before he knew me. He claimed they were harmless. It was never about that. It was about the respect and the outright disregard of my opinion. Nothing I said was ever given any thought. I told him I didn't like a lady who kept texting him because it was very apparent (to everyone but him) that she was bitter about the relationship from the very start. He waved it off. 

Honestly if I start listing out all the things he's done throughout these years, I think this post would be endless. To his credit, the pros were: holidays, meals, a car, a home. These came at prices such as me navigating Germany on my own and changing flight schedules to get home after he picked numerous fights with me, having to take the bus back to Melaka on the same day I arrived because he wanted his car back immediately (he wasn't in the country, the point was just to be petty), being asked to get out of his home at 3am (where all my belongings are and I didn't have a place of my own at that time), being woken up in the middle of the night to tell me to "fuck off" and the list honestly goes on and on. There was a point I used to get anxiety triggers when I heard doors opening because I thought he was coming into my room to fight with me again. 

Anyway after all of the fights and misunderstandings, he still decided he "loved" me and I guess I did too (?) so I agreed to return to him and carry on as usual. Boy was I wrong. 

The above cycle repeated at least 4 times in the last 6 months. Every single time ended up in me packing all my belongings into bags and moving out and then a week later when he decided he felt like it, he asked me to move back in with him and for some reason, I did exactly that. 

So a few days before his birthday, I finally couldn't take it. Similar fact pattern, one of his "friends" had called me names and asked if I'm still squatting at his house, but the real trigger and something that still disturbs me today is he said "your fucking mother thought she can threaten me" "marry you for what"

Well. hoping its all only upwards hereinafter.